I Was Functioning… But I Wasn’t Okay | Depression and Anxiety Story

I was functioning on the outside, but internally I wasn’t okay. In this episode of Overcome, Travis White talks with Noah May about living with depression and anxiety while trying to appear fine to everyone else. 

Noah shares his lived experience with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, opening up about struggling in silence, the pressure to keep going, and what finally helped him speak out. 

This conversation sheds light on what depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation really feel like on a day-to-day basis especially for young men who are often taught to suffer in silence. Noah explains how depression can come in unpredictable waves, how anxiety manifested physically for him, and how music became a lifeline during his darkest moments.

Throughout the episode, Noah speaks candidly about living with depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation, the shame and stigma that often prevent people from asking for help, and why telling the truth about mental health can literally save lives. This episode is a reminder that struggling does not make you weak—and that finding your voice can be the first step toward survival.

What We Discussed

• Growing up with depression and early experiences of bullying
• Living with depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation as a teenager
• How anxiety attacks showed up physically and disrupted daily life
• The difference between depression waves and anxiety episodes
• Suicidal thoughts, shame, and the fear of speaking up
• The stigma men face when talking about mental health
• How music became a critical tool for coping and healing
• Turning pain into purpose through podcasting and storytelling
• Why open conversations about depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation matter

Listen to Noah's podcast: https://linktr.ee/noahspodcast

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who may need to hear it. Conversations about depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation can help people feel less alone.

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Transcript

0:01

Hello and welcome to Overcome a Mental Health Podcast. I am your host, Travis White. It's a place for you to share your mental health stories. I'm very excited to be introduced to tonight's guest. I would like to Noah May to the show. Welcome, Noah. Hi Travis, thank you so much for having me. Pleasure to have you on Noah is a host of lethal venom podcast and I am not gonna waste any more time here just turn the microphone over to him and let him share his story with us Yeah, so I guess I could kind of go from beginning kind of. My childhood growing up wasn't the typical normal childhood that most kids have, but it wasn't a bad childhood at all. My mom, well, my dad growing up wasn't around. He left before I was born, so I never got to meet my father, My mom did a really good job of trying to keep it like a normal household. It's like nothing was wrong. And she was actually sexually assaulted by him. And that's kind of how I was conceived was from sexual assault. And after that incident had happened, she had moved back in with her parents, which were my grandparents. And we kind of just lived in the same household. as I was little, we've not moved or anything, but that's kind of how it was. And then I kind of had a normal childhood growing up, did everything like a normal kid would do. I went to school, I went, I didn't go to public school, went there for the normal eight to three and would come home. And of course on weekends I would watch TV and I would do homework during the school week and everything, but it wasn't until about fifth or sixth grade when I started getting to like a very personal journey with my mental health. And my, mental health started when I was in when I was 13, I was in eighth grade, but fifth and sixth grade started getting bullied a lot for numerous reasons. It was just from, and it wasn't really from how I looked. It was kind of, I would say, because I was sitting with my legs crossed, because that's just how I sitting. And I'd see it on TV all the time, people doing it. And I would also, apparently walk very flamboyant down the hall, which I don't know why normal walking was considered flamboyant when they did the same thing. I don't know why they assume that, but that I was just always called. So most of my life I was always called, I was gay or something. Even before I even knew what it was, cause my mom and parents did a really good job kind of sheltering the outside stuff from me. And so when it finally came to my depression, I was 13 and I was starting eighth grade year, my grandmother got diagnosed with Alzheimer's and dementia. And it was kind of like someone had really just hit me with a hammer. She was just not the same person I knew. And I kind of distanced myself from her because I, she wasn't the same Nana that I had just yesterday. So when she got sick, I kind of disassociated with her because it was just kind of a loss someone due to the sickness. Um, and during that time, my depression is when I first started. Um, I had a really bad porn addiction during that time too. Um, I saw porn as like a way for me to, for an escape into an alternate reality that was. I didn't have to worry about anything that was going on at school, at home at that time. I started asking and like doing really rebellious things. would always hang around kids at school that were very much the rowdy bunch that would not, the normal kids that you would, most parents probably wouldn't let their kid hang out with. I kind of, some of their bad behavior rubbed off on me. I started cursing a lot during that time. And that's kind of when I got, introduced to curse words a little bit more um was then that time and yeah i remember 2016 the following year my mom during that whole time knew something was wrong she could just sit sat this is not the same sign i had a year ago and he caught me watching porn because i was stupid and watched it the middle of the day because i didn't know the dudes notes of that and She me and she just let me talk for about two hours about what was going on with the home life because my grandparents kind of fought with my grandmother's sick. She kind of started fighting a lot of us and we kind of get into physical fights because of just her mental state wasn't there. And she always hit my grandfather a lot, but he'd hit back to protect himself. To me as a kid, I saw that and thought that you don't do that. You don't hit women. So it was just a lot for a 13-year-old to really process going on to 14. And so we went to the doctor. My mom said, OK, taking you to doctor now. We're going to get you situated. We went to my family physician. on everything that was going on and he said, yeah, there's no doubt you got you have depression. It's no, there's no doubt. Well, I think it's awesome that your mom noticed it and got you the help as soon as she could. Because I think that's a really good sign you have somebody in your corner from the very beginning. Well, benefit for that was she also dealt with depression as well. So mental health tends to run in our family a lot. you had, I think my grandparents had felt that my great grandparents, I think suffer some from mental health. So it's one of the traits that I sadly got passed on down with too. So that's kind of. Yeah, so basically everybody has an understanding of in a way what you were going through and what you were dealing with. so they were able to catch the I, yeah, my, my, when my mental health started, the people around me, like they, they knew what the signs were and they knew what I was going, like what was happening and they knew his mental health related, but nobody had really been through it. except for and if they had that was never talked about my mother-in-law has a good understanding of it because I know she's dealt with some stuff but I think it's really cool that you had your mom like in your corner and saying like no this is what we're going to do we're gonna take care of this because we don't want it to get any worse but thinking back to that like what what do your worst days look like Like when things... were for me it was I had such a huge struggle trying to wake up every day and really it was going to school that was kind of the hardest thing for me was waking up and going there because it was kind of like hell on earth it really was a shit show I didn't want to get up and go at all but I also wasn't smart enough at the time to where I could actually fake being sick. was never good at doing that because my mom could read it and be like, get up, you're going. It was always, it was, it was something that I couldn't fool her with. So I was like, okay, screw it, we're not gonna do it. Kind of face with it. I did have suicide thoughts during that time, but I didn't, when I say suicide thoughts, I don't want people to think that I attempted and actually went through with anything. I had the ideation to it. I never really attempted it. So the furthest I went was just a general idea. I didn't really do it because I was like, I don't really have anything to hang from. couldn't because my mom also was very vigilant of what I did. I'm an only child and anyone that's an only child knows that you're the one and only person they focus on so of course it was like bald eagle right here all the time and so it would have been really hard to hide cuts on your arm or legs or anything from her and I'm pretty sure she probably snooped through my room too when I was at school as well I just I don't know if she did but I just kind of feel like she did so trying to hide something that no that would never have worked so Um, but that's kind of how my worst days were. it kind of depended on the porn addiction. Well, I'll say it depended on that. It was an everyday thing. think it was if I couldn't get to like a, and when I did porn, I didn't do any like sexual things at all. Cause I was still kind of stupid in that, in that department. This is the brain of, I don't know what that is. I don't know how that works. Even though I'm seeing it, I don't know how that physically works, but I got so addicted to it, was like, okay, I'll watch this one video and then I'll do homework. And if my phone wouldn't work or the internet was out, I'd have a blog gasket, because I couldn't do it. That's how addicted I was to it. Yeah, and I feel like it's where, as most people go through mental health problems, I think they almost have to find that one vice that keeps them kind of grounded just to get through the days. mine was, mean, mine was like, this is, mine was like drinking excess amounts of like soda, like to the point where it was not good because and just screwing up my body totally. Um, cause I was having medical problems on top of my mental health as well. Or I bury myself in a book and just not like pay attention to anybody around me. Like it's just cause I didn't want to, I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to talk. Didn't want to go anywhere. Uh, but so what, what was it that made you just keep fighting? What makes it so you keep fighting through, through all the bad? A lot of it, it's hard for the depression because it's something that I live with to this day. I would say I know it's quite clinical depression, which for people that don't know, clinical depression is a form of depression that comes and goes in waves. And it's very unpredictable. I can go a period where I could be two years depression free and then for a week I'm depressed and it goes away for five years and then comes back for six months. it's really hard to determine when it is. I will say certain months of the year trigger the depression. So for me, January until March or April tends to be kind of like the red flag months for me, just due to the things that I haven't even really mentioned yet to the future things or past stuff when that usually time frame of everything happened. was usually first of the year. So, and it kind of adds up. So there are points where people do tend to have to watch me a little bit, but it, after that, it just comes and goes and waves. There was a period where I was depression free for a full year. That was think junior year high school. And senior year high school would have been the same thing if my lovely anxiety diagnosis didn't come up because that's a whole. Yeah, so you're dealing with the... Well first let me back up, because I want to say that my depression is the same way. It comes in waves. It's like I'll be good for a few months at a time and all of a sudden I just get hit really hard. And it's like I don't want to do anything. But you're dealing with this depression and anxiety stuff. So I'm right there with you, so I feel for you on that front. It's like when one leaves, it's like the other one comes, is like, hello, I'm here now. depression is gone. I'm going to kick you right in the face with anxiety. Yeah. And the anxiety came very later in life and it's such a weird thing of how it got diagnosed. remember I was in senior year of high school and I just sensed wrong was going to happen with senior year because I woke up the very first day of senior year six. My whole life from kindergarten up until that point since 2007, and this was 2019, I've never woken up on the first day of school sick. I think my brain just told me this year's going, something's going to happen this year. Cause it was just so odd. I've never had been sick prior to that, leading up to school or nothing. So it was just kind of a whirlwind of Well, I said I'm sick on the first day. Now, granted, did I get sick on like later in school year? Yeah, every kid does. But first day was very odd, but I was fine the next day. And then I think my suspicions were right because I remember it was, I think it always gets fuzzy and I always go back and I think it was February. I remember February of 2020, you know, the month before the whole world shut down. I started really, my body was changing for some reason. I had gone to bed, I used to go to bed at every night about 10, 10.30. That was kind of my bedtime. I always wake up at seven. And I just remember there was a point in the middle of the night where I woke up and I really nauseous to the point where I actually grew up. I thought, well, the flu, I'm staying home. It's like, I'm sick, that's it for me. And then when I woke up the next morning, the feeling was still there. And so we thought, ugh, I'm sick. So I stayed home and it was kind of weird because It was kind of a weird feeling. didn't feel achy. I didn't have a fever. didn't have none of the other symptoms that you have with the flu. It was just nausea to the point where I had to puke. This is a weird feeling. This kind of happened off and on for a month. I had gotten sick a month earlier in January when we first went back. I got sick because cold weather and temperatures don't mix well with me. And if it's raining, that's just a double plus for me. I get sick in the cold very easily. And I thought, well, maybe my immune system is just really bad. It was just kind of this awkward thing where I would have these nausea spells to the point where I would throw up in the middle of the night or it would happen early in the night, right before I go to school. And it made me late to school a few times, but it was just weird because after I would get that, I'd be fine. So in my brain, I'm thinking, what's going on? And my mom and I sat down and we're like, this is not wrong, but I don't have a fever. don't have any eggs or anything that usually associates with the flu or even a cold, because I wasn't even having assignments problems. It was just a stomach issue. And we thought, well, could it be your depression acting up? And I told her, said, well, the whole four years I've had it, I've never been this depressed to point where I throw up. He said, yeah, that's true. So this continued on all throughout February. I was in and out of school for like a month. I think in total between January and before school got out for the COVID pandemic, I was out in total a month. I missed a month of school at that point. We went to my doctor and we told him everything that was going on. I said, no, don't have AIDS. I don't have fever. don't have nothing. Nothing's wrong with me, time is wise. And I said, it's just stomach problem. Even he was kind of confused and you never want to go to a doctor and their first thing said, I don't know what's wrong with you. That's something you never want to hear. And he said, well, do you think it's something in your circle? Do you think something's happened or changed for you the way it's making you nervous to the point you throw up? Cause he said it could be nerves, but he didn't say anxiety because it was kind of a. nerves and anxiety to me are different. People might disagree with that, but I find nerves are just kind of like a split second thing and they go away. And it's like not severe. And I said, well, I don't know what I'd be nervous about. And he said, has school been difficult? Have you been having trouble with friends or slightly family? And I said, well, school has been hard, but I mean, that's normal. I said, I've dealt with hard school classes in the past. And he said, well, let's try this. Let's see if school's causing it. Stay out of school. He ordered me to stay out for a week to see if maybe it was school related. Lo and behold, it was. We went back the following week to do kind of a check-in and kind of an update about how the week was. He did more research and found that anxiety kind of causes the symptoms that you're having. He said, but I want to be clear. You probably think that anxiety comes from chest pain. You can't breathe and all that. He said, and I thought, well, yeah, that's why I didn't think I had it because I didn't have pain here and I couldn't breathe. I had none of those problems. And he said, well, in some cases, anxiety attacks can happen in your stomach. And so you get real nervous to point where you throw up. said, well, I just love being the oddball of having everything. Everyone has this normal thing wrong with them. I'm over here. It's like, here I am. Here's everyone else. I can't be normal for, I can't fit into a crowd. I have to be like this oddball that stunts doctors and everything. So, but he did, he said, I think you'd have anxiety just from the fact that you haven't really had the nauseous symptoms at all this week from you going, think it's that. Well, then we thought, well, how do you stop it? What do I need to do? And he said, well, do you want to do homeschooling? I think we had mentioned that. He said, honestly, if this is going to stop that, if homeschooling is going to stop this, then yes, do it. He said, I'll give you a referral. I'll write a doctor's note or something and send to the high school to tell them what's going on. So we were actually almost about to do that, but then the school shut down for COVID. So we, we didn't have, end up falling through with it, but it was the next step that we did. But a whole month of vomiting does something to your body. I had lost 20 pounds during that time. weighed 140 when it started. I weighed 120 by the time I got in diagnosis. All the muscles in my arms, especially had gotten really weak because of all the weight loss I had lost. I tend to have really bad weightness in my hands now. I'm real shaky with my left hand now for some reason. I've noticed that If it's any angle, I'm not steady with my left hand. My right hand tends to when I'm opening a bottle, kind of peels the skin back in my hand because that's how brittle and tender my skin was at the time. So I would actually have to use towels or I would use like a paper towel or something that had a rough edge around the whole center of it to be able to open up a Coke bottle or just any kind of bottle or any thing that had like rough edges around the lid. I had to open it up with like a suction thing or anything other than my hand. My doctor had diagnosed or had prescribed me Insure to help gain the weight gain. So I had to drink one of those a day. Those kind of helped a little bit. It kind of it brought the weight back up, but it was slow because of all the weight I had lost. He also had ordered me to go to a doctor in town about maybe thinking about doing like a test inside my stomach to see if it was actually anxiety or if it's something in something in there. And of course, he gave me some he gave me a lot of medicine for it as well. But the anxiety spoke with me. It stuck with me for two years after that. I had very serious consequences. I couldn't do anything without getting nervous. And it like going to the grocery store, going five minutes down the road to a person's house or a gas station. I would have this thing nausea to the point where I'd puke. That would literally in this was everywhere we went. Places I've been to since I was four years old, I get nervous to the point where I can't leave the house. I mean, that's the, lot of people understand how bad it was. It, got to the point where I couldn't leave the house because I was so embarrassed for how it was. And I thought it would get better and it never did until I got on some medicine, but it was always embarrassing trying to eat out with people. I mean, what do you tell people? I'm anxious I can't She's mad. really embarrassed from it for a long time. I'm sorry that you had to go through all that. That's a pretty harsh case of anxiety. And I've dealt with it in a different way, but never I've never got the stomach pains really like I'll get like chest pains a little bit and I just get to the point where I just overthink so much and it's like no I can't do this I can't do this I can't go that place this person's thinking bad about me like and it's like always like I'm a piece of shit like that type of stuff but I'm mad like I hear your story and I'm just like I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that what What types of tools and stuff do you use for anxiety and depression? both of them was really difficult to do at the same time because I also failed to mention during the COVID pandemic, I actually ended up getting COVID and I had long COVID for six months. I no sense of smell or taste. couldn't smell anything. I couldn't taste anything. I felt physically fine. just couldn't, these two senses were gone. And we thought it was just a normal cold We went to my doctor and he did like a COVID test, but he kind of went like inside my nose, like probably went all the up to here. He didn't go like all the way back in here, like how people say it feels like they scratch your brain. Now that's what I've been told. They didn't go that far back, but they kind of went a little, they still went up there. Well, the test came back negative with a, good, I don't have it. Well, two months later we got back in and this was December. and they actually did blood work on me and found that I did have COVID cells in my blood. So I actually ended up having COVID, but I was misdiagnosed at the time. So here I am going to stores, I was going to class, and people don't know that, never knew that during that time. It was years, years later till I told people about that, but at the time I was like, I've just been a walking death, death bottle. just like a walking hazard this whole time I've been a hazard to everyone. But my depression during that time That rocketed. It was so bad. My suicide thoughts really came back hardcore. And of course, the weight loss kind of started up again, due to me not eating because I couldn't taste anything. So there was no pleasure in eating anymore. Everything, was like everything had worked up, getting better. You got knocked off. But one of the big ways that helped me was music during that time. That was such a godsend for me. was just a really beneficial thing to have. And it was even before the anxiety started, like, throughout high school, I really started getting into music and it, I learned some, I've learned so many songs now to where it's hard for me to pinpoint and remember like exactly when I first heard the song, because some, I've known so many, but I middle school started out then, but High school helped me and especially college has helped me tremendously. The anxiety with it just really, really helped me get through that difficult time. I think if music wasn't around or wasn't invented, I don't know where it would be now. the exact same way. So what type of music do you listen to? Like what's your go-to? Um, pop is my number one. I'm based on that pop R and B. like those two a lot. Country I listen to since I'm from the South, beyond culture for me not to, but if it's with the package that I have, then people get surprised by listening to rap. People get really surprised on that one. like, what? I love to be with the crowd. I want to be in the circle. yeah. Hey, I always say when it comes to music, who cares? You like what you like and music is music and it's like if it changes, helps those moods and like just gets you through that rough time. What like one of my favorite pastimes is going to concerts. I like a little bit of everything. was when I grew up, I was into the emo scene. So I'm huge into like still emo stuff and screaming and heavy metal, but I'll listen to pop. What else? Country. Really it's all over the place. It depends on my mood. it's always good though to hear that music have that effect on somebody as well. Yeah, one album and actually have what this I used to at my own apartment in Auburn when I went to college, I used to have these pictures up of albums and this one from Ariana, her this album was the one that kind of saved me for the longest term. It was kind of my healing album and was the album that really listened to a lot. And so that's been my number one album from day one. as it helped me get through a lot of those personal and really dark times. think without that album, I wouldn't be here today from that. And that album really, really helped me. It just has really good songs on it, and I just really like it. It's crazy how there's always that one album that comes at like the right time and just helps you get through everything. I have a couple of those that I from even when I was way younger that I still have on repeat. Well, the album actually came out about two years before my anxiety. So it came out two years before then. But then, for reason, during when I first got it, it was just really close to me. I liked it when I first heard it. It wasn't my favorite at first when I heard it. Back there a few listens, I liked it. But then when I really got the anxiety stuff, it just clutched on and held tight. It was the album I listened to all the time. I listened to all those songs 5,000 times. I'm not kidding. It's probably like, I think the highest listening song that I had was like over 600 streams. I've listened to that myself for a lot the summer before, but we won't talk about that. it was just, it just saved me. I don't know why that album kind of has stuck with me, but it really has. It's just been personal. There are a few albums that came afterwards that I a year after I got diagnosed with anxiety that were in my top two of my favorites. So it was like that one that I showed and the other two have been my top three. They're kind of been my healing album. They've always been like top three, 100%. That's That's really cool. since you're somebody that deals with both anxiety and depression, like, so let me kind of tell a personal story just so you can get to where I understand where I'm going with this. So, I, this past year, I've been working a lot on myself. I've never worked this deeply on my anxiety and depression before until the last year. long story short, I had some. I started having some medical problems back in 2009 and that's kind of when everything started for me. But last year they came back up and my anxiety and depression kicked in full gear. I started going to therapy and dealt with my anxiety first. And the depression was kind of just muted at the time. Like it wasn't a huge deal at the time. This was all happening. My anxiety was just kicking my butt. So lately it's been I've my depression has kind of taken over. I got to the point where I could, you know, when I felt anxious, like I could subconsciously like, okay, that's my anxiety speaking. This is what I can do to push those thoughts out and get over it. But it feels like to me, my depression is so much harder for me to kick. Which one to you, like when it comes to like working through your anxiety and depression, which one. to you feels like it's harder to, I don't want to say overcome, but kind of push aside and, you know, even yourself out. Before I got on medicine for the anxiety, would 100 % say anxiety, but after I went to a psychiatrist and got on really good anxiety medication, I would say now depression, because depression for me has been incurable. I've had like multiple different medicines for it. I've been on different milligrams of doses for it. And it just seems like nothing really words have increased it, decreased it. And that's always been a problem. But when anxiety came up, that was not number one. I can't get rid of it for the same amount of until I got on medicine for it. And then after that depression kind of came back in as being the main. Yes. pain to get rid of. So I would say now depression. Yeah, it's, it's hard to find that right dosage of medicine. I I lucked out for what I was taking. And I found it pretty fast. But everybody else tells me like, no, I had to take like three or four things before I was able to find anything that worked. was like, well, I guess I should count my blessings then because I can't. I can't speak on that too much because it worked from the very beginning. So it's tough that you had to go through all that medication to find something that helped you out. I was kind of in like the minority a little bit here, here with me being an oddball, but it would work for a period of time. And then let's start working. We get on new medicine. It worked and stopped working. So I've had good medicine at first, but then after a while we had to change it constantly because it would work for a good period of time. And then just ask, Oh, we're not going to work today. Like I had to go through multiple. medications but it wasn't like within a year it was like over time so that oddball No, no, I was that oddball with my medical problems so I can relate to you in some way. What do you think is like the biggest misconceptions about people who struggle with depression and anxiety? For the biggest misconception is that... It's hard because everyone seems to have a general idea of what depression anxiety is. But I think they don't really know the whole magnitude of how it is. It's something that I really find misconception is getting help for it. I think a lot of people think that if you go to a therapy office, if you go to a psychiatrist or even your doctor, you're kind of seen as or something. And that's technically not really the case. It's usually you could go into a therapy office and the people that you kind of go in and see are normal people that are sitting out in the lobby. and movies don't really do a good job. portraying that. They like to portray therapy and psychiatrist offices as the cuckoo box of here's a guy that's schizophrenic with multicolored hair. Here's a girl talking to her imaginary friend that's sitting beside her. That's kind of what how TV and movies really like to portray it. But in naturality, it's Here's a man that just lost his wife due to her battle with cancer. Here's a mom that's three kids that's dealing with postpartum. Here's a kid that's in fifth grade that is going and seeing his therapist after school. mean, you see more normal people in an office compared to crazy people. I that's the biggest misconception is people think that if you go to them places, you're automatically crazy and everyone in there is. And that's not true. Yeah, that was very well said. So I applaud you. Because it's crazy. It's like, and the more you talk to people, the more you realize everybody has a story, whether it's them personally dealing with it, or, you know, a brother or sister, an aunt and uncle, a mom and dad, everybody has a story. There's some relationship to somebody that's going through some mental health crisis. Yeah, I've, it's also, I think a huge basic misconception I've received from it is people really think that men don't open up enough about it. And that's kind of the stigma of what America wants you to think. even which overseas, might be more accepting for men to come out and share what they're feeling. But the U S tends to really portray it as. Men are not supposed to show emotions. They're supposed to hide it and provide for the family. They're not supposed to have skin. They're supposed to have thick armor around them. That then really breaks them down. And that's totally not true. Now there might be some men out there that can do that and do it well, but it's hard. It's really hard. And I men to know that Who cares if you break down and show your true side? It's better than to let it out than keep it in, because it will eat you alive when you keep it in. It really will. Yes, I agree. I'm one of those ones that I'll now I'll just let it all go. Like I don't really care. think when you I think the hardest problem for me, like when I've started getting really bad depression or anxiety or whatever it was, was admitting that I had a problem. But as soon as I saw it for myself, it was so much easier to be open about it and start talking about it. What? To you, what's like the hardest part about sharing your story? When I first started sharing it was the judgment I was going to because I knew people were going really think I was ever reacting and that it was something that I've really blown out of proportion, which to some degree people can think that or... Now I think I overthink it a lot because I could be crying having a bad day and they'll be like, no, what's wrong today? Are you okay? I'm like, got ink on my finger. they're like, got to the scene, go wash your hand. I've gotten to that point where I literally cry over everything. But first I was scared to really showcase that emotion because I think my classmates wanted to have this image of me. The smart kid that does really well in school, has a good family, comes from a good home, he doesn't have anything to worry about. When it was, I came from a broken home, I came from personal demons that almost took me out and I was just an outcast from them. I just didn't see that. So I knew that if I opened up or anything about my depression or anxiety or depression mainly at the time, they wouldn't have believed it. They would have not been supportive. I firmly believed to this day if I said anything, I, I firmly believed that if I woke up and was in the hospital, none of them would have said anything to me. They would not have come by and said, are you okay? What happened? I can come back to school then wasn't thinking anything of it. That's just who they were to me. And now I open it up and share my story with them. the kind of dope people that don't be silent like I was that if you stay silent, it leads to bad repercussions to the point where it cannot be reversible. It's irreversible at some points. So you have to speak out. And I just didn't have a good support system. The only person I had was my mom. All I had. And I was kind of lucky as I had mentioned earlier that she had depression too. So mean, she understood what it was. And a lot of my kids, like I look back at my classmates and yeah, some of them did deal with anxiety and depression too, because I think one girl that, don't know whatever happened her, but she came to school and had scratches and cuts on her arms. And I just knew that as like, oh my God, you're supposed to do that. That's bad. and but she didn't really talk about it. And so I was kind of like the same way they were. They didn't speak about it. I didn't speak about it. But to this day, I've not really had any of them reach out to me and be like, you know, I never knew that you went through all that during that time. I've not said anything. And I firmly believe that they just didn't really care about me in school. And now it's It's funny that they thought that I was the most unsuccessful one, but here I am with a three podcasts, one that's in the top five, and I have done like a hundred episodes. That's awesome. And it's like, I went through a lot of stuff in the past to get to where I am today and firmly believe that they probably did not expect me to be the most successful one of the whole class. just think it's, to me, it's karma coming back for them for how they treated me. You wonder what I say to those people? They'll screw their judgment. it's just, I don't see how people can sit and point fingers and look at somebody like, oh, you know, like, and judge them for something that they have, most of time they don't understand. Yeah. But podcast in the top five, that's, that's really cool. What, what was it that was initially your, mental health problems that got you into podcasting or was it something else? casting to me was a way for me to finally speak up and tell my truth. It was years of being silenced from people other than my parents, my parents during this whole time have been the most supportive group. So this has nothing to with them. This has been everyone else that's been outside that my house. Everyone kept me in a box. I didn't want to hear what I had to say. And this show has been the best way for me to finally speak my truth. But I wanted it to be a show where I really am honest about everything. I told I've pretty pretty pretty As you can see, real professional at it. I've probably said everything under the sun about anything to the point where I probably would have lawsuits coming for me. But it's the honest truth and I really haven't lied about anything. I've shared stuff that I don't really, I look back and I'm I shouldn't have said that, but that was part of that persona of me being, have to shut up. literally called out my whole classmates. I've literally did a whole episode basically cussing them out. I did like a whole ranking of them and just tell them really was what I did. I said that really at the end. I said y'all didn't really care about me. I was like, y'all honestly because I was like y'all were not supportive of me. I blasted my school for how they treated me as well. I thought about really from working experience how work environment is. mean, I've said some pretty, I've been vocal on my show about stuff that most people would not dare speak of. And I've also talked about my own mental health journey on there. And I've also had amazing guests on there as well. That I've shared their truth as well, because they've been silenced too. And that's been the whole, it's kind of turned into more of a Having my truth heard, UA, I want people to be able to have their voice heard. And so it's been a mixture of all that and it's done very well. So it came from a place of, podcast has started as me being in silence for years and I was like, I've had enough. I want my voice heard. You're going to hear it whether you like it or not. That's cool though, it in the top five, it's you speaking your truth. everybody likes somebody that's honest. I honestly feel like that's the shows that do really well, or the ones that are being honest and raw and open and vulnerable, whether people like to hear it or not. Right. And it was funny because the first episode that went viral was my first and that's because I really showcased it on all my social media and I'm still friends or like follow a lot of my old classmates on there. It was actually the first time where I had people from high school actually reach out to me and say stuff because they were worried I was saying shit about them on there. And I said, oh, I said shit about you, but I'm not going to say what part of the I'm not going to say what part of the episode I said it on that. But there was some of them I did say good things on. So I would say, yeah, I said good things about you. which if they had a brain, they could probably figure out the order I went in. they didn't use all their brain cells. Would you say that the one that you kind of called people out, would you say that's one of your most memorable episodes? Mm-hmm. That was kind of one of the ones I blew up. It had like a hundred streams. I thought, whoa. I said, oh, people are mad at me. said, majority of them are probably from my classmates because they wanted to know what I said. And it's really cool looking at the analytics because it was actually people that actually could hear the whole episode. So, you know, most people listen to like a second or like a one minute or five minutes and the viewer and listening rate goes down. It was like this for like a good part, which I mean, it would kind of go down, but it was a slowed down. It would go down very slowly. thought that was kind of, think personally, one of my more long as heard episodes, which it was only, I think like in over or so, but it was like 45. 40 minutes or an hour, I mean, it wasn't too long. And by then you have one those hit and you're like, yes. And it surprised me how well it was. I think was like the majority of my classmates watching it, as I just wanted to know if I said anything bad about them. I've yet to have anyone come. I've messaged me after I've posted it saying what this direct didn't mean. I've yet to have that happen. I'm still waiting for that moment, but haven't received it yet. So I don't know if they just have not figured it out or too dumb. I don't know. You I don't really honestly know. I thought I'd be getting a lot of messages from them. But I did bleep their name out. They can't fully come from me because I didn't blast them on there. much as I, and I think that's and some people could say, if you're wanting to speak the honest truth, why censor their name? And I even censored the people that were kind of, that had good things to say only because I don't want to publicly blast these people on here, even though I think some of them deserved it. I don't want them to get really more attention than they need to. They received enough attention from when they were in school. don't need all my listeners going to give them attention. And also to the good ones, I don't want to put their name out there and have all these people follow them and find them and everything. I always do that confidentiality thing. I take it to heart. It also saves me from lawsuits because I can't prove that I said it. huh. me a lot, it was therapeutic. It really was. It honestly was a lot of built up anger I had from them over the years from them. And saying it all in that episode really like therapeutic. Most people wouldn't say that, but to me it actually pretty much was. And I believe you on that because I think that like starting to openly talk about like my own struggles has been really therapeutic for me. So I can see where you're coming from. going back on the topic of you said in high school you felt like an outcast. What advice would you give to someone currently feeling like an outcast or struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health issues? I would say for people that are an outcast, you tend to be the one that comes the most successful because you focus on yourself a lot during that time. And when you're not really the center of attention, it's really nice to come back and show them people how successful you are in the future. I was always the outcast. No one really ever talked to me. And it's kind of humble to know that I kind of became the most successful one. of the whole class, I've not heard anything that my classmates are doing, like where there's like in the media. Now, some of them have become doctors and teachers and all that, you know, but to be like kind of successful in this kind of it feels good. So if you are an outcast, you tend to be the one that becomes the most successful. And later in life, it turns out that those people that really were mean to you come or to come back and want to work for you. then so if you're an outcast, I wouldn't take it really to heart. It just means that you're really, it just means you're special. I've always said it as, know, it'll be good to prove them back later in life. And I always said that. then the people that also have mental health issues, don't be ashamed of it. I was ashamed of it for years and then I'm finally able to be a spokesperson for it and be a confident advocate for it. Don't keep it in, speak up as well. Don't hide it because it's really hard to keep it in. It's better to get it out. So that's kind of my advice. And if you need to get help, get help, who cares what people think. It really... Later in life, it really gets to the point where I don't really give a fuck about anyone. That's kind of like the attitude I've had ever since graduation. I'm like, I don't care. I don't care what you have to say. I just kind of have been in that attitude. So once you get older every day, you turn to give less shit about what people have to say. So that's what I would say. be true to yourself and don't let anyone get you down. Yeah, and you have to get to that point where you just don't care what other people think and say. It's like, I think that's how, with me, I felt like I spent so much time people pleasing and living through others. It wasn't until I stopped caring that I'm like, okay, well, I'm going to do what I want to do. Yeah. If you could leave listeners with one message, one message about overcoming depression and anxiety, what would it be? That's a question. I kind of go by my motto once a fighter always a fighter. I don't know if it's a famous quote, if it is a shout out to that person that said that, but I came up with that quote as a motto for my mental health. And I think it's really very impactful is once you start fighting, you'll always end up fighting. Once you overcome it, if it ever comes and happens again, you'll always be able to fight through it and get through it. And it's kind of the motto I would say is once you fight through something, you will always be a fighter to the end. No matter what kind of pain comes your way, what other kind of roadblocks come your way, you'll always come out on top and that you'll never give up. And where can people find you? I'm pretty much everywhere. The podcast Lethal Venom, it's, if you want to kind of idea, literally, it's this kind of attitude eh on the show. But it's more, I kind of do more interviews now than personalized episodes, which I'm to change that soon to where it's kind of more of an even balance. But, you know, it's Lethal Venom. It's wherever you get podcasts from. I'm on all the major platforms. Spotify, Apple, Amazon, iHeartRadio, YouTube, Pandora. pretty much everywhere. So feel free to check it out on those platforms. You can find it on social media as well. Instagram and TikTok at Sleepless Venom Podcast, and then Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube at Snowy's Podcast. So feel free to follow the platform and podcast on any of those platforms. That's kind of usually where I am the most. I'm on Instagram and TikTok the most to promote it. then episodes usually come out on all the platforms at the same time. And that's usually the popular ones at home, yeah, that's technically where you can find me the most. And one last thing here, we covered quite a bit of ground here tonight. Is there anything that we did not discuss that you would like to bring up? I so. I think we kind of covered everything. Well Noah, want to thank you for coming on the show. I admire your attitude and all the stuff that you've had to overcome and with the struggles that you've had. Keep going, keep pushing through it. I love to hear these stories. Just thank you so much for coming on and spending an hour with me. Thank you. I appreciate you for reaching out and letting me come on. It was an honor to be on here and I can't wait. Very excited to be here. So thank you for having me. And thank you to all that are listening. If this story resonated with you, please share it. And you can follow us on any major podcast platform. Thanks again. Until next time.